"Cheer up, alright?" December 31, 2011- New Year's Eve

Here’s to the bad things.

The tears and the cringes and the moments you can’t get out of your head.

Here’s to making mistakes

To living and learning and going on even when it’s hard

Here’s to the amazing things

Dancing and singing and eating and gaming

Here’s to the wittiest remarks-

365 of them

Here’s to bad fights

and here’s to letting that all go.

I've never been one for New Years, but I think there are some really interesting things about it. I love the idea that when the clock strikes twelve I will be new again. The parts of me that are hard to adore will be shattered as that ball drops, and I will have a chance.

And so I hope that I spend a lot of time doing what I love. I hope I sing more and write more and love more. I hope that I cry more and that I trust more. And most of all, I hope to learn more. I hope to bother Powell with questions and to have interesting discussions with Hippo and Jacob for the whole year through.

2012, I am not asking anything of you.

2011, "I miss you already!"

Today's rating: 8.8

Listening to: We Are Young- Fun

Currently reading: The Silmarillion- JRR Tolkien

Mostly Played iTunes Song: White Black Page- Mumford & Sons

"My Little Pony?" "My Little Pony." December 28, 2011

There had always been this thing inside me that wanted to prove myself. In everything- in school, at work, at home. Everything in life, I’ve always wanted to do, and do it well. I’m very bad about validating myself on these kind of things. Because of this, I was always telling myself that I didn’t need my meds.

After almost a month off of them, I can safely tell you that I need them. Badly.

I hate, hate, hate thinking that I’m dependent, per se, on my meds. Not addicted, or anything. Just knowing that I’m not as strong as I told myself I would be. Meds aren’t helpful, they’re necessary. 

So, I mostly stopped taking my meds because I didn’t want to refill my prescription after I lost them. (Long story.) But, there was also that added benefit of the adventure of seeing how long I could go without them. I just wanted to know. I’d always wanted to stop taking them and see if anyone would notice.

They did.

And I think the thing I hate the most about this is that people did notice. They so noticed, and they worried. I had a panic attack in Powells room. Powells room! I have just been reliving that memory since it happened because I feel horrible. I thought I had a handle on this. I can’t believe I lost control like that.

I am a big kid. I can take care of myself.

I’m sorry.

Today's rating: 8.0

Listening to: Bad Kids- Black Lips

Currently reading: The Silmarillion- JRR Tolkien

Mostly Played iTunes Song: Little Lion Man- Mumford & Sons

"We got fucking Pablo Picasso in here." November 25, 2011

The ABCs of my thanks:

• A- AC/DC- This team… I will never stop adoring you.
• B- BAMF people- Alexa, Powell, Drake, there are too many of you to list
• C- Children’s games- If I’d played Pokemon monopoly with you, than you know the greatness.
• D- Dinners of JoJos- I’ll never forget those nights, I wish we had more of them.
• E- Enormous Sundaes- Hippo, you know.
• F- Funny gestures- Hippo, I’m looking at you here.
• G- Game nights- Brawl, Pokemon Master Trainer, it really doesn’t matter what we play, now does it?
• H- Hats- Austin, this is for you. Because, I can’t imagine some days without having you to wear brilliant hats with.
• I- Inside Jokes- “Nikki Minaj riding a Weezing while eating Kadabra shaped cookies next to a Weedle who just got a new record”
• J- Just talking- Because sometimes we don’t need games or JoJos
• K- Kidneys. I am thankful for kidneys.
• L- Laughter. On Tumblr, in real life. If you make me laugh, I love you.
• M- Milk straws, and drinking milk from champagne glasses.
• N- Nikki Minaj freak outs.
• O- Openly accepting all of our flaws. Because you’re all really good at that.
• P- Practices for AC/DC. There are too many good moments to list.
• Q- Quiet Brawl battles. Sometimes the silence means to best moments are about to happen.
• R- Ridiculous questions for Powell. 
• S- Silly outbursts of random laughter
• T- Tumblr friends. You know who you are and I love you SO much!
• U- Unstoppable money makers in Monopoly. (Hippo)
• V- My Daddy (whose last name starts with V)
• W- www. and the stuff you’ve all shoved after it.
• X- X-Men and all of those other fantastic comics
• Y- YouTube, vloggers and Let’s Players.
• Z- Zip Zap Zop, and everything else I do with my theater friends

Today's rating: 5.5

Listening to: Three Chicks Review Comics- Episode 026

Currently reading: The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R Tolkien, The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck Mostly Played iTunes Song: Anxious and Worrying- Defiance Ohio

NaNoWriMo word count: Something too low to even admit

"Also, I read 'the hell' as Avril Lavigne sang it." October 27, 2011

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”

Dr. Seuss

I'm going to take a break from my horrid NaNoWriMo stress and talk about the people I love. 

It's no secret that I'm under a lot of stress right now, and whenever that happens my body goes, "No. Fuck you. Here, have some kidney problems. Oh, and some OCD and panic attacks. And let's through in trichotillomania, and why not some weight loss and sleep-loss. Yeah. That's good."

And I for some reason that I don't understand, my friends stick through this. I know. I guess it's because they're as screwed up as me. 

I've been trying to make an effort to tell the people that I appreciate how much I appreciate them more often.

Austin, Sarah, Johnny, Jacob, Powell and the team, Hippo

Ryan, Rissa, Adam, Bailey, Catherine

You care a whole awful lot

I love you so much.

Thank you. 

You're my family, and I am so, so lucky.

Today's rating: 5.3

Listening to: Gimme Gimme- The Glee Project cover

Currently reading: The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R Tolkien, The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck
Mostly Played iTunes Song: Tennessee- Theo Hilton, Toby Foster, and Ryan Woods

NaNoWriMo prewriting progress: Moderate

"You better" October 9, 2011

Day eight is irrelevant, because I'm not writing yet (obviously). So, I'm skipping it and going to day nine.

Day 9 - Have you told anyone else you’re doing NaNo this year? Who? What was their reaction?

Me doing NaNoWriMo isn't a secret by any means. I'll talk about it with anyone, but the only people I actually discuss it with are various Tumblr friends and Powell.

Hippo, Johnny, Austin and all of those folks know, but I tend not to bother them with it. Hippo is super awesome about it though, helping me with characters and such. 

Everyone is really understanding about it.

I mean, I'm a huge nerd, and they know I write to it's really unsurprising.

My doctor did have the 'Why, tho?" reaction because I can't really handle stress, and NaNo is a lot of stress. 

Today's rating: 6.2

Listening to: Goodbye Frankie- Danielle Ate The Sandwich

Currently reading: The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R Tolkien, The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck
Mostly Played iTunes Song: Tennessee- Theo Hilton, Toby Foster, and Ryan Woods
NaNoWriMo prewriting progress: Moderate

"I work in a nuthouse!" September 26, 2011

My Day:

• Get up (6:45)
• classes (7:45- 2:30)
• AC/DC (3:00-3:45)
• Powell/ friends (3:45- 5:00)
• Shower (5:30-5:55)
• Eat (6:00-6:15)
• Homework (6:20- 7:45)
• Blogger blog (7:45- 8:30)
• NaNo preparations (8:35-9:45)
• Study (9:45- 10:30)
• More homework (10:30-11:00)
• Personals such as reading, writing, editing or playing music (11:00-11:20)
• AC/DC studying (11:20- 12:00)
• Personal studying (12:00- 1:15)
• Taking care of pets (1:15-1:30)
• Sleep, sometimes (2:00- 6:45)

Today's rating: 4.0

Listening to: Buildcraft Mod Spotlight- (Technic Pack Part 1)

Currently reading: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by JK Rowling
Mostly Played iTunes Song: Tennessee- Theo Hilton, Toby Foster, and Ryan Woods
NaNoWriMo prewriting progress: Meh

"they're as oppressing as they feel oppressed" September 15, 2011

Teachers tend to get a friendly pat on the back.

Which is super great, but it doesn't put food on the table.

The people that instill knowledge and hard work and productivity, are always underestimated.

I know that where I live, this isn't as big of an issue as it could be.

But think of your favorite teacher.

The person that respected you and wanted you to do well, even if you didn't know it at the time.

That person changed your life,will lead a more meaningful life, and be remembered longer than any of the reality show stars who get paid millions.

That one who worked with you until you understood your work.

Or the one that assigned that paper that sparked your love for writing.

Think of that class that you really wanted to work hard in, not the one that you felt required to work hard for.

There are plenty of amazing people doing all kind of jobs who don't get paid what they deserve.

These things aren't fair.

There's no point to this.

Just remember to appreciate those who care about you.

Today's rating: 7.0

Listening to: Everything is Ending- Chameleon Circuit (Acoustic) 

Currently reading:I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Anglou, and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by JK Rowling
Mostly Played iTunes Song: Tennessee- Theo Hill, Toby Foster and Ryan Woods
NaNoWriMo prewriting progress: Positive!

"ASS: BUY TWO AND GET ONE FREE" September 6, 2011

When you're in a relationship for six months, and then you break up, there's this sort of feeling like,

'How do I life?'

I think that's the big issue here.
I'm not going to think about his stupid reasons, or how lonely it is being single.

I'm going to think about being busy.

I'm upset with myself about this.

I actually don't think I ever really hate myself.

See, there's a certain level of narcissism that comes with doing this- blogging. With putting my stuff out there.

Actually, I think that there's a certain amount of narcissism that comes with doing a lot of things in life.

Almost every afternoon I sit in the classroom of my favorite teacher, with my best friend, two people I respect a whole crap ton, and pitch them my ideas, and rant and have other interesting conversation. 

And there's a certain amount of narcissism in walking into Powell's room, sitting down and assuming that he wants to listen to me blabber.

I'm okay, I think that's what I'm saying.

I'm okay.

Listening to: YoGPoD 15: Halloween Special 

Currently reading: Beauty Queens by Libba Bray, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Anglou, and Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Kolsterman.
Mostly Played iTunes Song: Maybe- Lauren Fairweather
NaNoWriMo prewriting progress: No more than yesterday

"That's like telling you not to laugh" August 31, 2011

Today was really great.

I saw Powell and Austin and Hippo.

But it was long. And there is work to be done.

Thus, I will see you TOMORROW

YAY SHORT POSTS

"Cynisism isn't wisdom. It's a lazy way to say that you've been burned." April 30, 2011- BEDA- Day 30

If you've been been chronicling my tales with me, you'll know that I spend a rather large percent of my after school hours pestering my Academic Decathlon coach, Mr. Powell with questions. There are on anything from particle physics to linguistics, and Powell generally never fails to deliver. He's one of the smartest people I know, and honestly, he's changed my life and perspective a lot in these past eight months of school.

Powell is often telling me that while Einstein was a genius, he was also a person. And that geniuses are only geniuses in certain fields.

I'm thankful for this not only because it's a really interesting thing to say, but it's knocked a really negative attitude that I once had on intelligence.

Think about it, Georg Cantor revolutionised many ideas on infinity, but he also though that Sir Francis Bacon wrote Shakespeare's plays.

Beggers can't be choosers and genius isn't picky. John Green once wrote that everyone has a talent. and I agree. I mean, I don't know where I see myself in the future, or what job is truly what I want to do. But I do know that everyone is so passionate about something that they are genius in one respect.

Even me.

So, thank you, Powell. For making me realise this, I am ever most grateful.

Mood: Pretty good. I feel like I should have something more here, for I am going back to my senses tomorrow. I'm pretty happy for May, though. I love the month of May, I really do. I'm ready for this. This month will be better.

Listening to: Cynicism- Nana Grizol (The above quoted song)

Last thing I ate: ? Great way to end, Liz.

Last thing I drank: Water. Another exciting revelation.

Currently reading: Looking for Alaska by John Green and Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

"YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE." March 31, 2011

BEDA, or Blog Every Day April, starts tomorrow. I know I'd be doing that regardless, but I'm going to change it up a bit. In stead of my normal senses, I will be doing mood, listening to, last thing I ate, last thing I drank and what I'm currently reading. This won't last all year, just during BEDA. I thought it might be nice to have a little bit of a change.

Firstly, it is likely that I will be going back home from next Thursday until Saturday for my Grandmother's funeral. While this isn't set in stone, (She's not gone yet) I'm working out getting guest bloggers for those days, and now matter what happens, I promise something will be up those days.

Secondly, today was okay. I did discover that making super adorable noises distracts yourself from the poor things, and that my friends seem weirder the worse you feel. Trevor, Hippo, Sarah, Ashley and I hung out just after I spent some time with Hippo and Austin. That wasn't the last time I was Austin, either. I gave him a hug and chatted with him after going to the super market with my step-dad. Seeing him consistently makes me smile.

Since it's not April just yet, (I've still got half and hour, damn it) I'll be doing my normal senses today.

Today I saw: Powell-sensei! Which was nice. The extent of us talking was Trevor asking him is he jumped off the stairs landing while Powell-sensei was down stairs, would he catch him. Powell-sensei said he's easily break both of his arms, but he'd try.

Today I heard: Lots of cute little giggles and sounds from me and Hippo.

Today I smelled: Hippo's present for being awesome. I haven't given it to her yet, but it smells delightful.

Today I touched: Hippo, a lot. I used her as a pillow/ thing for leaning upon pretty much the whole time we hung out.

Today I tasted: Cookies and Creme Hersey's. Only a few little chunks of the bar, but those chunks were delicious.

"'Did I ever tell you I had a dream where my mom was married to Barack Obama. He made breakfast.'' March 28, 2011

“It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.” - Chuck Palahniuk

Today really made me realise the truth in that quote. Spending time with Gunnar and Austin and Hippo and even Jackie made me realise that even though I'm not friends with 2/4 of that group, they've taught me a lot. Not even from the good memories, but from all the things that I'd like not to think about. Coping with loosing somebody you thought would never honestly judge you takes a toll. But through that process I have learned a lot. Which is saying something, because if you recall, I mention not gathering anything from this whole ordeal.
So yes, I hung out with Gunnar, Jackie, Austin and Hippo today, just after spending some time in Powell-sensei's classroom. I even saw Leslie briefly. So, I saw most of my favorite people, (Stupid Trevor being sick and silly me for not talking to Brendalyn when I had the chance) even at the expense of seeing somebody how's not so high on my list. Hippo and I danced, Austin and I talked, I laughed and vented and over all had a great time. She's not worth loosing my friends or being angry over. She's not worth any of it.
Today I saw: The high school. Whether that's unfortunate or not, I can't say. But it's been absent in my life for a week so I thought it was worth mentioning.
Today I heard: Austin's trurly beautiful new waltz. He's an amazingly talented composer.
Today I smelled: New paint on the music wing of the high school. Over break they redid the carpets and painted a ton. It looks really nice, but as Hippo described it, it's a little 'trippy' Bright and vibrant and crazy. Like the band/ choir geeks I love dearly.
Today I touched: Powell-sensei's tables, more so than usual. He's not particularly happy with them at the moment. And I occurs to me that that sounds like I'm saying something I'm not. He wanted to move the tables in his classroom.
Today I tasted: Pretty much nothing. Some more of those pastries that my step-father made so many of for some ungodly reason. We have so many. So many.

"So long, bitches!" March 15, 2011

Good lord. Half way through March? Already?

Beware the ides of March. Yeah. I should've taken that warning a little more seriously. (As had Mr. Cesar) Today wasn't all bad, I suppose. Powell's back from this two week early Spring break, so we (Hippo, John, Trevor and myself) spent the first part of the afternoon in his room. It was splendid, as always. But it's when we left that it got bad. Me, John, Trevor and Hippo were sitting on the steps, as merrily as could be and Jackie waltzes her ass up. You know, she complains about having to see me but never makes much of an effort not to. I suppose that's noble, no letting me ruin her fun. But she does get the whole school day, plus weekends. Anyway, we sat there for a while, and Rosemary and Austin eventually joined us. And that was okay, I guess. I pulled more than I'd of liked, and I certainly didn't like the stress of seeing Jackie. But I'll live. After a while Merek's brother took John, Rosemary and Austin to Wal-Mart to purchase Pokemon, and it was left with just Jackie, Trevor, Hippo and I.

And it just got worse. Hippo and I were outside, standing, waiting for the bus. It stops for a second, and we walk to get on and the damn thing drives away. Like 'Fuck you guys. We're leaving without you.'

Thus, Hippo and I go back inside and sit with Jackie and Trevor until John, Austin and Rosemary come back. Once they did, I saw awkwardly and read Hippo's Chemistry book until she got upset despite the fact that it's a god damned book, and took it. I don't know why she's so touchy about it. Anyway, I sat awkwardly and Hippo's mom came to get us. And then I thought the day might look up.

Nope. I walk in and my mom is as bitchy as ever. So, I ignore her first comments, and go upstairs to my room. Only to come downstairs two hours later to a half-eaten dinner, because my mother told everyone not to tell me it was ready. Yes, I had to sneak me eating my potato soup dinner because my mom doesn't think I deserve it or that I should eat.

I'm sorry. I'm in a shitty mood, and my esteem for everyone is lower than usual. My tolerance levels seem to be going down the more time I have to spend with some people.

Today I saw: The most glorious sweat shirt. It was Powell's and I am highly jealous.
Today I heard: Glee's Raise Your Glass. Ugh, I love Darren Criss. Even if I hate his character.
Today I smelled: Potato soup. Too bad I had to eat it cold.
Today I touched: Powell's tables. Old, but it's been a while.
Today I tasted: Said potato soup. Not as much as I would've liked.

"Is Mormonism a branch off another religion or it's own?" "Well, they stole the first two books but they also added a third one and called it 'Return of The King' so..." March 1, 2011

Two months down, already! I can't believe it, actually. And while Tuesdays are usually the worst days of the week, school was good. I spent the whole afternoon with Hippo and Trevor, only stopping to ask Powell the above question. Lord of the Rings reference for those unaware.
Anyway, the whole afternoon was lovely. Hippo had to leave before Trevor and I, so we were left alone for about another hour. We danced for a large portion of it, actually. A thing neither of us happen to be particularly good at.
No senses today, I'm being kicked off. Sorry guys!

"Your team's going DOWN." Febuary 24, 2011

Today was rather sucky and kind of boring. A comment was made on my anxiety, which only made it worse. And all I saw in people today were their downsides, which is unlike me. All I could see in English is how often my normally lovely teacher rolls her eyes. I can't stand when people do that. To me, it shows a great lack of maturity. People still struck me with all their faults. And as much as I hate that today was that way, I can't help it. Sarah made it a little bit better. Anyway, the high school has  half day tomorrow, so I don't know what I'll do.
Today I saw: Powell, Drake, Maxx and Hippo. But only briefly.
Today I heard: Hippo's voice on Skype. That made things a little bit better, at least.
Today I smelled: GIRL SCOUR COOKIES
Today I touched: Hippo's Game Boy. Attempting to get through Emerald.
Today I tasted: Aforementioned Girl Scout Cookies.

"I just made an entrance!" February 23, 2011

Honestly, today was boring. I sat around until Sarah found me, and then we hung out until I went home. Then I took a nap, which was probably the best part of my day. I mean, it was better than when Sarah electric slide into Powell's room while he was talking to Dorsey and Sonya. It was pretty funny, but we still felt bad.
Today was also the day I realised I'm a terrible person. We passed where Jackie works, and she was holding a sign outside, but her dress was all caught in the snow. This was very funny for me. I don't know if I should feel bad or not.
Today I saw: That my love for Pokemon is actually shared by students in my grade. Huzzah!
Today I heard: Sarah. That's really it. Sarah.
Today I smelled: Fast food, which I ate a little bit of. Oh well.
Today I touched: My sheets and blankets, when I should be doing homework.
Today I tasted: Sweet victory! I remembered the order of my senses again!

"Just the girl I was looking for!" February 22, 2011

Today was actually rather nice. Spent the afternoon in Powell's room with Hippo and Sarah, saw Austin briefly and rode the bus home. And I managed to get help on my homework. The work was unfathomably easy but my little brain is a worry wart and I always got nervous that I was doing the wrong thing. This happens in class too, especially with Algebra. Even if I know what to do, I worry that it will be so off that my teachers will find me to be mentally incapable and hold me back forever. Because that's what teachers do to students who are perfectly smart and capable now a days. I blame MTV.
Today I saw: Austin, for the first time in a while. I'm actually wearing his GLORIOUS hat.
Today I heard: Rants. Lots of rants. From me, of course.
Today I smelled: The fresh scent of no dinner because Papaya worked late. Yum!
Today I touched: My keys as I actually remembered the order these senses go in. For the first time in a month and twenty-two days I didn't have to back track to remember how to blog. All right.
Today I tasted: The sweet victory of finishing googling the answers my Algebra.

"Dat forehead" February 19, 2011

So, the first part of my day was boring, I can't lie. But then Hippo invited me over and now I'm at her place, blogging from her bed. We've mostly played video games, talked, watched Let's Plays and laughed at hilarious pictures of Powell. And then we fawned over a picture of some of particularly attractive males we just happen to attend school with. Gunnar Maxx Balazs And now Hippo is sleepy so I really should go.
Today I saw: Powell's HILARIOUS Face Book pictures. They are great. I appreciator them.
Today I heard: Maniacal laughter from Hippo and me at Powell's expense. Not for the first time, and probably not for the last. Admittedly, he did choose to put them on the Internet.
Today I smelled: Mac N Cheese as I tried, emphasis on the tired, to eat with chopsticks. Not a good plan.
Today I touched: Hippo's god damned keyboard. It's stupid and out of line. Not cool, man, not cool.
Today I tasted: Very little of the said mac n cheese. At least on the first try.

"I'm like a Socially Awkward Penguin and Paranoid Parrot burrito." "Yum" February 18, 2011

Yeah, today wasn't great. But I'm not going to talk about it. I'm not in the mood and I'm on my mom's laptop because my laptop is stupid and apparently wants to be thrown against a wall.
But I realised something. I need to leave. Just, go. I don't want to drop my friends or anything, just go on a little detour. I need room to do things, to make mistakes. I want to leave for two weeks and come back with stories. A whole new person. I know I've said I found myself in my friends, but sometimes I need a break. I'm tired of being told to wait, and I'm tired of feeling restricted. And like I can be utterly myself sometimes and none of myself the rest. There are things I need right now that I can't get here.
I'm frustrated and tired. Just because I'm the youngest doesn't mean I should have to put up with hell while I watch others feel happy. And I don't deserve to be treated with a lack of respect because of my age, especially.
Today I saw: My laptop die in front of my eyes, while Skyping with Hippo.
Today I heard: Me, hyperventilating in Algebra. Mostly over a teacher thing, but I'm sure there's more to it.
Today I smelled: Grilled sandwiches for dinner, again.
Today I touched:  My mum's car, while waiting for he to get out of work.
Today I tasted: This juice, that is orange-berry. Iffy, iffy.

"Aw, look at Leslie! KABOOM!"

"I told that girl to mind her leptons, but she did not keep her sub-sub-sub atomic particles in check. I'll have to give her a stern talking to about what really matters."
Today, today, today...
Aside from world war three arising in History, it was okay. The sub-quote is Hippo trying to figure out what Powell would say if my history teacher were to call him and get me in trouble from Powell, too. Nothing would happen, I'm sure. So, I saw Johnny, Shawna and Jillian today, which was okay when you don't think about the fact that Jillian is not a fan of me. And then I spent a little time with Ashley, and then came home and Skyped with Hippo. (We've been on 3:30 hours.) We actually worked on some character stuff and found a HILARIOUS picture of Powell when he very clearly did not want his picture taken. I need to post this before the vain in Hippo's head pops.
Today I saw: Snow flurries SNOW FLURRIES EVERYWHERE
Today I heard: Laughter. Lots and lots of laughter. A lot of it at Powell's expense.
Today I smelled: Today I smelled SCIENCE in the science hall.
Today I touched: Hippo's game boy, while playing Pokemon Emerald.
Today I tasted: Chips. I like that crap.